I do believe that everyone has a story to tell especially if one falls delicately into the ‘Trans ‘bracket.
I am now 60. Whale where have all those years gone, I ask myself. Wasted, maybe but I look positive now as the past 2 years which has been so very important to me as I have finally come to terms with my struggle to self-identify. I had always felt that in the back of my mind I was never going to reach 58 so, when I finally passed that mile stone it felt a tremendous relief. Let me explain, as the years passed by and I got closer to 58 it became apparent in my mind that my health was slowly deteriorating. I felt I was on a downhill slope and found it hard to relax. I had suffered with mood swings all my life and ‘unknowingly’ the fact I was trans, seemed to stimulate this behaviour. I say ‘unknowingly’ as although I have always been transgender, I was very much in the dark about ‘identifying my dysphoria’, and what this condition was all about. It was almost a Jekyll and Hyde existence, never happy, never content. No matter what I had achieved in my life I had learned to suppress something that was eating away at me from the inside. As I got older my moods were becoming more erratic. I became a work acholic, trying to keep my mind sane and away from the thoughts of being a woman. However, the heavy workload had a knock-on effect as I had no routine eating habits. I would simply work until I dropped and then rush to feed my body with unhealthy take-aways. I use to punish myself and realised that this was not a good existence, if I must say so myself.
Home life was not good as well. Being trans I felt no need for engaging into sex immaterial with my wife. I would get more mental relief and self-satisfaction from cross dressing albeit, generally very short and brief, as time alone was very rare which would allow me the time to indulge in such wonderful pleasures. At a young age I always struggled to come to terms with why I liked to put on women’s clothing. It was always in the fore front of my mind and as trans was not socially accepted or understood as I grew up in the 80’s I had to lead a very secretive life, thinking that maybe, I was the only one. I could never discuss my issues with family or friends in fear of being locked up and the key thrown away. I was also concerned about not being understood and therefore simply rejected. I had a girlfriend in those days who allowed me to cross dress and maybe I should have married her but I felt I had to repress my feelings, otherwise I would get carried away and I would finally let the cat out the bag. I decided to leave her. I suppose It was all too easy with her allowing me to cross dress and in a way the thought of ‘secrecy’, was all a part of the fascinating side of the cross-dressing experience. I recall being as young as 6 or 7 when the urge to wear my mum’s cloths came to the surface I was very much in my own little world and as I grew into my teenage years with this secret obsession niggling away in the back ground. When my girlfriend began to interact with my desires it almost felt an intrusion. I simply can’t explain it and so I made the unfortunate decision to carry on my secret life albeit with another girl.
I therefore made the decision to marry someone else who did not know about my secret life. This I found out later to be a mistake. As the marriage progressed my need to cross dress became more and more apparent and I sat down to try and explain to my wife at the time what really made me tick. We had a daughter and having that responsibility I tried to work hard and repress my inner feelings while she grew up. We had a non-existent sex life and my preference to cross dressing was far more important. This would always be alone as my wife at the time would not allow me to cross dress in her presence. I was fine with that as I could carry on with my own secret submission into my transgender needs. Now please understand, this is only my story and I am sure there are trans people who are happily married or with a partner who understands their needs far better than my ex-wife ever did. Take for example my earlier girlfriend who interacted with my desires to cross dress. Personally, I do believe It takes a ‘very special partner’ to appreciate the needs of a trans person.
With the introduction of the internet and social acceptance I began to explore my way of life and found that I was not the only one and in August 2017, I decided I could no longer cope with my part time existence and I decided to make the massive step to leave my wife, daughter and a lot of non-understanding friends behind me and start my journey of self-discovery. I acquired a flat and achieved my independence back which finally allowed me to become the person that had always been having bottled her up inside of me for so many frustrating years. My new life had finally begun, while my male side finally passed away as a distant memory.
Initially I found help with the on line ‘Dr Webberely’ site who analysed my condition and after a course of counselling found it appropriate to put me on Hormones. This has made a fantastic difference and my mood swings mellowed to a gentle ripple. My skin began to feel softer and my body developed nicely to take on more feminine characteristics. Wonderful. I started to grow my hair long although initially I wore a wig. Within 6 months I noticed the changes that were happening to me mentally and physically. All good, if I must say so myself. I also found I had discovered something about myself that had never surfaced before. I discovered I was Bi. I suppose the scene is what it is, and I quickly learnt that ‘men’ (sorry if that offends some people) are driven by testosterone, but put them in a dress and they suddenly become ‘racing drivers’. Now don’t get me wrong, personally I am looking for a companion, a one to one friendship however, with the ‘scene,’ being what it is, I feel the word, ‘temptation’ takes its toll on any possibility for achieving a long-term relationship. For me It’s all about honesty and the need to talk things through the rough times as well as the smooth. Maybe one day fate will provide me with the answer to my question and I will achieve my goal of finding a long-term companion.
To understand myself, I needed to visit trans gender meetings and I usually do a circuit of about 8 meetings per month. This has helped me a lot by giving me the confidence and the ability to consider similarities in their stories by listening to so many interesting girls who have come out in the past. This has been a revelation for me and my confidence has grown so much so, that I enjoy, for the first time of my life, being my true self. I feel so much more comfortable and relaxed and have developed the confidence to allow me to flourish as a woman in society. I accept and live life now with so much more understanding and respect for myself. The knock-on effect of this is, without doubt, my general health has greatly improved. I have lost weight, developed breasts and can almost get into a size 14 having in the past struggled to get into a size 18/20. Only last month I decided to parade my new size 14 around the cat walk at the ‘Trans Living’ event which is held at Eastbourne every six months. A very wonderful event of interesting people throughout the spectrum of being, ‘Trans’. I was honoured, and surprised to walk away with the title ‘Miss Diamond, 2019. This to me has cemented what I have achieved in such a short amount of time and I can only thank all the people who I have meet so far on my Journey of self-discovery. Thank you all, and long may our journey continue. Lots of Love Ann with an E.
Just in case any one is asking why Ann with an E. I suppose when you speak the word “Ann”, one never knows if it’s with or without an E. So, I like to say to people “Hello my name is Ann” Ann with an E, and that has seemed to have stuck with me. I suppose I am now different from all the other Ann’s in the world, as I’m like to be called “Ann with an E”, at least that way you won’t forget me.